It's been a while. I bring you something I hope you will find useful.
Nate's Guide to College
Freshman Year - Go to a community college. Understand the complete futility of 90% of your classmates lives as they will never accomplish anything other than finishing a 2 year Associates Degree in General Studies...in 5 years.
Run into the one guy you recognize, who you last saw in elementary school, and make it a point to hang out every opportunity between classes to try to counterbalance the Langoliers-type-ambience of the creepiest, most stale school in the world.
Desperately seek transfer out of your school to the first halfway "real" college that will take you in.
Sophomore Year - Be thankful of your newfound freedom at the first halfway "real" college that took you in. Go to cracked out parties and wear a cowboy hat, a suit, and an American flag tie. Make sure people take pictures of you as this will either add to your fame or infamy years later.
Record your own song which no doubt will turn out terrible, a compound result of poor "production" and your lack of talent. Get it on a distributed compilation CD so that your friends can deride you for it for years to come.
Start listening to lots of power metal, country-rock, and Britney Spears. Mix your own "techno" songs during your off-time when you're not beating the everlivin' snot out of Final Fantasy 9, or trying unsuccessfully to get the girl you're "just friends" with to take off her shirt.
Go to the club with the hot girl you're after, only to have her excessively fat/trashy/gross friend insist on dancing with you at every spare moment.
Cry at your first Jimmy Eat World show. Eat fried chicken afterwards.
Grow an insanely long and unkempt beard and mullet, in part contributing to your friend's "art project", in part furthering the continuance of stupidity and ugliness in the world.
Junior Year - Purchase your own PC with the money you made during the summer at the most pointless internship ever. Make sure your Windows sounds are voiced by James Earl Jones and that you download lots and lots of 80s TV show mp3s or teen lesbian porn. Play some kind of Warcraft ripoff regularly to keep your mind sharp.
Show up to private functions in character as "Cold Blooded Contract Killer (insert your name here)" Your friends will think it's really dope, or really weird. No doubt they will not understand your overwhelming genius.
Sing along to Ben Folds at every opportunity, because he is just one witty cat.
Comment regularly on the eccentric behavior of your friend's roommate. Hang out there a lot to gain truth to any rumors you might be uncertain of, then once proven, relate those tales to others as humorously as you can.
Routinely wipe your own roommate's ballsweat off of your favorite upholstered "video gamin'" chair.
At an unexpected turn of events, combine the powers of some dude you hang out with, some dude you sort of know by proxy, and some dude you have never met in your life to make the most awesome "crew" the world has ever seen. From this "crew" a cornucopia of strange and humorous events, attractive girls, and situational inside jokes will arise, undefeatable in battle.
Senior Year - Get an apartment with the 3 dudes aformentioned. Host strange surprise parties, talk over jigsaw puzzles, listen to cheesy tolkien-metal at every opportunity. Let strange folks visit you from out of town.
Shop at Walmart, and prove that your nutritional needs can be met by solely subsisting off of jellybeans and pizza rolls.
Bike everywhere now that you live off-campus and it's the cool thing to do. Feel like more of an adult because your main social hub is either your crib or the gym, not that skeezy dormroom, with that disreputable funk, you inhabited those years before.
Devise a plan to "rock and roll" all night and "party every day" only to have it never hatch, as you realize you should have been devising this plan years before, and now you have to start thinking about "the real world". Also never stop believing the scientific law that KISS F#$%ing sucks.
Christen your roommate's couch.
Play an acoustic show that consists of your 5 best songs. Write 5 better songs immediately following.
Graduate.
Nate's Guide to College
Freshman Year - Go to a community college. Understand the complete futility of 90% of your classmates lives as they will never accomplish anything other than finishing a 2 year Associates Degree in General Studies...in 5 years.
Run into the one guy you recognize, who you last saw in elementary school, and make it a point to hang out every opportunity between classes to try to counterbalance the Langoliers-type-ambience of the creepiest, most stale school in the world.
Desperately seek transfer out of your school to the first halfway "real" college that will take you in.
Sophomore Year - Be thankful of your newfound freedom at the first halfway "real" college that took you in. Go to cracked out parties and wear a cowboy hat, a suit, and an American flag tie. Make sure people take pictures of you as this will either add to your fame or infamy years later.
Record your own song which no doubt will turn out terrible, a compound result of poor "production" and your lack of talent. Get it on a distributed compilation CD so that your friends can deride you for it for years to come.
Start listening to lots of power metal, country-rock, and Britney Spears. Mix your own "techno" songs during your off-time when you're not beating the everlivin' snot out of Final Fantasy 9, or trying unsuccessfully to get the girl you're "just friends" with to take off her shirt.
Go to the club with the hot girl you're after, only to have her excessively fat/trashy/gross friend insist on dancing with you at every spare moment.
Cry at your first Jimmy Eat World show. Eat fried chicken afterwards.
Grow an insanely long and unkempt beard and mullet, in part contributing to your friend's "art project", in part furthering the continuance of stupidity and ugliness in the world.
Junior Year - Purchase your own PC with the money you made during the summer at the most pointless internship ever. Make sure your Windows sounds are voiced by James Earl Jones and that you download lots and lots of 80s TV show mp3s or teen lesbian porn. Play some kind of Warcraft ripoff regularly to keep your mind sharp.
Show up to private functions in character as "Cold Blooded Contract Killer (insert your name here)" Your friends will think it's really dope, or really weird. No doubt they will not understand your overwhelming genius.
Sing along to Ben Folds at every opportunity, because he is just one witty cat.
Comment regularly on the eccentric behavior of your friend's roommate. Hang out there a lot to gain truth to any rumors you might be uncertain of, then once proven, relate those tales to others as humorously as you can.
Routinely wipe your own roommate's ballsweat off of your favorite upholstered "video gamin'" chair.
At an unexpected turn of events, combine the powers of some dude you hang out with, some dude you sort of know by proxy, and some dude you have never met in your life to make the most awesome "crew" the world has ever seen. From this "crew" a cornucopia of strange and humorous events, attractive girls, and situational inside jokes will arise, undefeatable in battle.
Senior Year - Get an apartment with the 3 dudes aformentioned. Host strange surprise parties, talk over jigsaw puzzles, listen to cheesy tolkien-metal at every opportunity. Let strange folks visit you from out of town.
Shop at Walmart, and prove that your nutritional needs can be met by solely subsisting off of jellybeans and pizza rolls.
Bike everywhere now that you live off-campus and it's the cool thing to do. Feel like more of an adult because your main social hub is either your crib or the gym, not that skeezy dormroom, with that disreputable funk, you inhabited those years before.
Devise a plan to "rock and roll" all night and "party every day" only to have it never hatch, as you realize you should have been devising this plan years before, and now you have to start thinking about "the real world". Also never stop believing the scientific law that KISS F#$%ing sucks.
Christen your roommate's couch.
Play an acoustic show that consists of your 5 best songs. Write 5 better songs immediately following.
Graduate.
Nathan Prime 16:04
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