so i was sitting here thinking... how do you know how much someone really means to you...? how do you rank your friends? your family? do you rank? do you know you rank them? heck, did you just realize you rank them? i mean, i love my family, but when i am not emailing or talking about them, my dad and stepmom are kinda out of mind, cept occasionally. does this mean i love them less? i mean, i miss my mom when she's not there a lot of the time without her being brought up in conversation, does that mean she is higher on my love meter? it's just different.

friends i find are the same way... especially with break, and with katy visiting me from kansas, and emailing far off friends and all - i really have thought about who i value. i consider some people my very close friends, but when they aren't around i don't miss them all that much. not all of them, and mind you it always changes. is it just fondness of memory? circumstance? does this even make sense? i just know that i am blessed to have people to miss. i know someone is truly close to me when i can't sit through a song or a movie without one line, or one scene, heaven forbid the entire thing, reminding me of my missed friend. my mind wanders to thoughts of love...

everyone's idea of love is different - a rant i thought i would tackle sometime, but i don't think i can do it justice. you see, everyone's idea of love IS different, be it between friends, lovers, family, it doesn't matter because love always can mean something to one person and yet be totally misconstrued by another.. i used to be afraid to speak the word. i never knew if i was too afraid of hurting someone else or if i was too afraid of allowing myself to be hurt. there is a big difference between love and being in love, which i believe most would agree. even though it is but a twist of syntax, i always find myself hiding behind phrases like "lova ya" or "love to ya" or some mutated version of "i love you". as long as i didn't say those three words in that order, i can't get hurt, right? what am i holding onto? when will i be able to say those words to someone without being scared? will it be when i think i, myself, am in love? and even then, we have to ask the question "when are two people "in love"?" can i ever give an answer to that, short of me being in a situation myself and just magically "knowing"? and even then, can i trust how i feel? is it all just circumstance? or maybe a temporary satisfaction of a need for attention or comfort? well, what i do know is this... love isn't something to be bottled up. love isn't something to hold onto, grasping its very ideal hoping it doesn't come back to hurt us. sure, we've all been burned before - but does that give us the right to hold onto something that, in its very essence, was meant to be shared? i think not. if you love someone, tell them... tell them now. life is short, but love is forever. a few words expressing the best thing you can give someone can be the greatest gift someone recieves in a lifetime. patient, kind, eternal; love is all this. so it is all this that i want you to have from me...

i love you...

as always, keepin it real... REAL real...

P.S. Merry New Year!